If I were a reader of some of my recent blogs I might conclude that the author must be a serious guy, perhaps too serious. He dwells upon the baggage of his life and the lessons he extracted from the course of his long existence. Possibly I would find him interesting on an intellectual level. But I’m not certain I would want to associate with him or drink beer with him. Could someone this serious possibly be a free and fun loving guy? Despite what my wife might say I can be very funny. Not only can I be irreverent and politically incorrect but I believe I enjoy a talent for telling jokes. Over the years I have created and frequently used a number of quips to satirize socially correct beliefs. Some of my friends have compiled these aphorisms and call them Vernisms. Allow me to present some of my “pearls of wisdom.”
The traditional image of God was fashioned by Michelangelo. He portrayed the deity as an old man with a long white beard. My version of God is somewhat different:
God is a big black lady in the sky with large breasts to cradle her children.
My interpretation of the identity of God is:
One night I realized that I am God. I was praying to God and suddenly realized that I was talking to myself.
I was raised in a missionary culture where it was ones duty to proselytize. Over the years I have come to agree with Gandhi:
Conversion is the deadliest poison to ever have sapped the fountain of truth.
Other quips about missionaries:
God in his beneficent wisdom sent the nice plump
missionary to the poor starving cannibals.
My brother’s a poor missionary.
He saves all the poor girls from sin.
He’ll save you a blonde for five dollars.
Oh see how the money rolls in! (sung to the tune of My Bonnie)
Finally a prayer to frustrate those who want to convert me:
Lord, save me from those who want to save me.
When one considers eternity a little levity is in order. After all, we will never leave this sphere alive. That is God’s huge prank upon the human race.
WHILE WE LIVE LET’S LIVE IN CLOVER
FOR WHEN WE’RE DEAD WE’RE DEAD ALL OVER.